July 4, 2009
· Filed under poetry · Tagged change, dreams, friend, friends, happiness, life, love, personal, random, thoughts, writings
Tech Support: Hello … how can I help you?
Customer: Well, after much consideration, I’ve decided to install
Love. Can you guide me through the process?
Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?
Customer: Well, I’m not very technical, but I think I’m ready. What do I do first?
Tech Support: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you
located your Heart?
Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now.
Is it okay to install Love while they are running?
Tech Support: What programs are running ?
Customer: Let’s see, I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge
and Resentment running right now.
Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt
from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent
memory but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will
eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High
Self-Esteem. However, you have to completely turn off Grudge and
Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed.
Can you turn those off ?
Customer: I don’t know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?
Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke
Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and
Resentment have been completely erased.
Customer: Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is that
normal?
Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base
program. You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get
the upgrades.
Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, “Error
- Program not run on external components.” What should I do?
Tech Support: Don’t worry. It means that the Love program is set
up to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In
non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before
you can Love others.
Customer: So, what should I do?
Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the
following files: Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge your
Limitations.
Customer: Okay, done.
Tech Support: Now, copy them to the “My Heart” directory. The
system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty
programming. Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all
directories and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely
gone and never comes back.
Customer: Got it. Hey! My heart is filling up with new files.
Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying
themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal?
Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but
eventually everything gets it at the proper time. So Love is installed
and running. One more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be sure
to give it and its various modules to everyone you meet. They will in
turn share it with others and return some cool modules back to you.
Customer: Thank you.
June 21, 2009
· Filed under personal · Tagged afraid, change, changes, college, dad, divorce, dreams, family, father, graduation, happiness, life, love, mom, mother, personal, random, thoughts, writings
They say that somewhere along the way I lost my heart. I lost it as easily as losing my keys or phone. Never noticed until someone actually told me. Technically, of course I have a heart. It’s helping me breathe every second of my life, but whether it’s beating for someone I’m not quite sure myself, because I assumed it had stopped beating a long time ago.
They don’t know, but it’s actually a lot harder to not love someone rather than doing it. Your heart gets tired and your mind uneasy, because you have to put so much strength in it to push someone away. I did it many times and now I’m worn out, exhausted. Weak.
Even my dad walked out me. I guess I couldn’t be enough and so he left. I don’t miss him, but I long to have a father like all my friends do. Someone other than my mom to rely on; to show my new apartment to; to be there when I graduate. I can’t remember spending a birthday with him. He missed my first day at school, the day I went away from home for the first time alone, he even missed the moment that I was born. He wasn’t there from the start. My mom didn’t give love another shot after he left. She isn’t heartless though. She’s just damaged and can’t heal her heart. I always wanted her to find happiness though. That feeling of waking up next to someone who loves you maybe to her is just an unrealistic dream or one that is now over. I want her to be happy, but this lacking daughter sure is good for nothing. How can I possibly fix a heart, if I don’t even have one myself?
I’m afraid, not for myself, but for the one that comes along… Having to love a girl so heartless like me.
June 19, 2009
· Filed under personal · Tagged afraid, change, changes, college, family, graduation, happiness, life, mother, personal, problems, random, study, thoughts, writings
Talking about embarking on a journey I’ve wanted all my life. Having almost no time to enjoy wonderful moments that I have made the last few weeks, I now have to face the struggles that are coming my way, way sooner than I thought they’d be. College, dorms and moving away sounds all nice and fun when you’re stuck in a small village almost your whole life with only college as your way to get out of there. I’ll find out soon I guess.
Before making my way to school, I spent at least half an hour in a café near our train stop. Sipping my soda slowly I can’t help but think about all things that had happened in just a few weeks..
My brother and sister-in-law are expecting a baby… however there were some complications when they visited the doctor. There was no embryo nor a heartbeat to detect. I heard my brother cried. My sister-in-law cried. My mother cried. I was useless then, not knowing how to support them. Not knowing what to say or do in situations like that. So I just locked up my room and spent my time behind a computer looking up symptoms of misscarriages or any other symptoms of any other things that my sister-in-law might have. I couldn’t find anything. So I just stared at the screen. A small embryo lying curled up in a mom’s tummy. I couldn’t provide the care and support they needed. I couldn’t do anything.
Graduating this year feels almost like a dream to me. But every dream and every good thing has a down side to it.
I received an envelope from my college. A heavy one. I opened quickly as I was anticipating some fun announcement. I just saw 4 digits.
You know how everyone always says: ‘Money isn’t important.” ? My mom was the only one who didn’t believe that and told me constantly that money isn’t the most important thing, but important enough to have almost everything in this world to be evolved around it. I guess hard work, determination and willpower isn’t all you need to succeed. I’m worried whether I can make it. It’s a lot of money on the line; money that we simply do not have. And because of that, I feel guilty. It sounds weird but because of my wish to go to college, not only so far away but also in an intense study program, the costs are beyond our imaginations. I could’ve stayed home, be content with a college just an hour away. Instead, I choose to walk this tiresome path, not only to me but also to my whole family. Have I made the right choice? I keep putting on weigh on my family’s already shagging shoulders. I’m sorry…
I will succeed. Just wait.
June 11, 2009
· Filed under personal · Tagged friend, friends, goodbye, life, love, personal, random, school, study, thoughts, writings
In exactly one week it will be confirmed whether I get to graduate this year. It has been tough those five years, but time went on quicker than I could prepare myself to. In one flash I was there, standing in front of, what seemed to me at that time, a huge building with red doors and blue window frames. Little did I know every step to graduation would be a struggle, while I was convinced I could easily go through the years.
Again, in the blink of an eye I’m this far. Waiting for the results and hoping I can actually fullfill my dreams for the following years as I get up on there on that stage to have my mentor handing me my diploma. Wouldn’t that be great? I have been dreaming of that moment for as long as I can remember. Standing there together with my friends, sharing our excitement and nervousness.
Will this year be the year I move away? The year I will be living in a dorm, having to start from scratch, stepping into a whole new and alien city.. or world for that matter.
Will this year be my year?
May 27, 2009
· Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged diary, friend, friends, goodbye, life, love, note, personal, random, special, thoughts, writings
Let’s pretend there won’t be an end and we’ll just be there for each other until time let us be, ok? I know it will be hard and there are times we all will want to give up, but you’re stronger than anyone else. Don’t let disappointments that don’t matter affect your pretty life. Seeing you happy makes me happy. I hope that in times when you’re frustrated, disappointed or just tired that you would come to me. Even if it’s just five minutes to lay your head down. We’re friends.
Also I am determined to keep my promise, so you won’t get rid of me that easily… I know I told you of goodbye, but I guess I lied ^.^” Rather than having those thoughts, let’s complete reality first.
Let’s reach for the very end, until we aren’t capable to reach any further.
April 25, 2009
· Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged change, changes, dreams, friend, friends, goodbye, happiness, life, love, mom, mother, new, personal, present, random, school, study, thoughts, writings
It’s your dream. Something you’ve worked for your whole life. The reason you went to school for every single day.
It’s hard, but not everyone is granted with a chance like this. It’s right in front of you now and you shouldn’t let it slip out of your hands. I still have your sister and brother, they will take care of me. All my life I’ve been waiting for the day that you’ll be able to follow your dream.
So don’t worry, just go.
- Mom
My college is 2 ½ hours away from home taking the train. I began having doubts, about whether I should go away that far after all. My mom isn’t in good health and I worry that I won’t be home in time when something happens.
It was our first real talk. The first time she has given me advice on how to do it, leading me the way. I had many thoughts about it. Basically, you can say that I’m running away from my responsibilities of a daughter. I’m not taking care of her, instead I’ll leave it to my sister and brother.
However, mom. I’ll make you proud by achieving so many things you will never expect from me. I’ll give you a comfortable life, I promise. And I’m not breaking any more promises than I already had. Thank you~
Yesterday was the last official day in school. Rather than feeling happy and excited to enter a new world, I felt an overwhelming sensation of… sadness? Somehow leaving school didn’t feel that great when the moment finally came. It was the end and even though I’ve always looked forward to it, it came so abruptly that it hit me harder than I thought it would be.
We all gathered in town to spend ’some time’ with each other I guess. We talked and laughed and were trying not to think of the exams. I spent a good hour with my friend alone and as expected, we had more fun than ever. It’s always like that isn’t it? When the end is coming near, time with the ones you care about start to become more precious and special. We really tried to avoid the subject ‘goodbye’, because we knew this would be one of our last times together. We won’t be able to see each other that often anymore, even if we wanted to.
The funny thing is, I’ve never expected myself to feel this way in the first place. That I’d… miss her…?
We were basically preparing to the ‘real’ goodbye. The real last time, the moment we would walk up to our teacher and receive our diploma. However, I haven’t prepared to feel this way so saying goodbye really is hard. I could tell she felt the same way. Even though we both were acting tough in front of each other, the moment when it came down to it we both became weak and maybe even scared to realise it is over.
140905 <3
[And yes, it's supposed to be '2014' :] ♥ ]
April 19, 2009
· Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged dream, friend, friends, happiness, life, love, mom, mother, personal, random, thoughts, what's your dream, writings
My dream is to achieve the things that my family were never able to do. I dream to be successful and earn enough money to have a comfortable life. I want to travel and see things, experience things that no one else ever has. I want to graduate from high school, being the only one in the family who has made so far. Study, experience the life of a college student and how it is to live a life that is by no means easy.
Because I’ll be in college soon, I’ll be moving 2 ½ hours away. I did that on purpose, not only for myself but also for my mother.
Because my mother’s life never was easy, I want to give her the freedom that she’s allowed to have now. I think she never really had any freedom at all in her whole life. She couldn’t go to school because of war and later had to get married, giving away her dream of being a student, studying to be a nurse. She loves those white long dresses they wear in college in Vietnam and schoolbooks they carry in their arms. It was her dream to be one of them. Secret love-letters and enjoying friends’ company… she really wanted that.
She then got kids and as a mother, your responsibility and obligation to take care of your children never ends. Though till’ this day, I want to show her I can be fine on my own. She can rest and enjoy her free time. There will be someone else to take care of me, when I’m not able to.
She… has never had a comfortable life. So I want to be able to give her that by making as much money as I can. I want her to buy whatever she likes, do whatever she wants to and just enjoy the life that she has now. I’m still lacking in many ways and I’m nowhere near that dream yet, but I don’t want her to feel sorry for herself anymore. How life is so unfair to her and the idea of money is giving her headache. She needs to be feel free for once, live the way she wants with no obligations or worries. I want to give her that. My way of saying “thank you”, I guess?
That’s my dream.
April 12, 2009
· Filed under personal · Tagged friends, happiness, i love you, life, personal, random, saying I love you, special, thoughts, translation lyrics, wonder girls, writings
You’d always ask me,
‘how come you never say “I love you?”
do you really love me?’
But you know,
I wanted something more sweeter,
I want to confess to you just like those lovers from movies, so that you won’t forget
I’ve waited for the white snow
I’ll confess to you now, the words I’ve held back
I love you
your smile brighter than the sunset
your two hands that embraced me
I love you, I love you
I promise that I will never leave you
I will always tell it to you face-to-face
You ask me what’s to hesitate about,
‘is it that hard?
I want to hear what you got to say’
But you know,
I wanted something more special,
I want a special day I can always remember, so that it won’t pass forgotten
I’ve waited for the white snow
I’ll confess to you now, the words I’ve held back
I love you
your smile brighter than the sunset
your two hands that embraced me
I love you, I love you
I promise that I will never leave you
I will always tell it to you face-to-face
I don’t want to separate with you
not even a single moment
when I lean on you, I hope the time will stop
I love you
I love you
your smile brighter than the sunset
your two hands that embraced me
I love you, I love you
I promise that I will never leave you
I will always tell it to you face-to-face
I love you, I love you
loving you, loving you
I love you
Credits to: www.jpopasia.com
“I love you.”
Really, how often has this topic passed by on my blog? Maybe two or four times I can’t even remember. All I know is that I haven’t been able to say these words for quite some time now. Shouldn’t that moment have come already, I think to myself. Because even though being all soft and emotional is not my cup of coffee [ 
], I guess I start to understand now what this phrase means:
“You say it, because that’s the way you feel.”
Knowing well how cold-hearted and bitter I can be, it never even crossed my mind to say it just because I do. The number of times I have been able to force myself to do it can be counted on a pair of hands.
The number of times I meant it on the other hand… I think only once and that was to my mom.
It was a strange habit really; telling the ones I know I don’t love that I do, but then I tend to keep everything in silence from the ones I do love. It has been a while though since the last time those words have slipped my mouth. Should I start to say them again?
Oh my… I don’t think I can. I’ll rather love in silence~!
April 9, 2009
· Filed under personal · Tagged friends, graduation, life, love, new, personal, random, thoughts, writings
Anxious as I’m about start a new life somewhere around this year. Just a bit more wait and patient I think I’m able to get out of here. It’s so strange how I look back and realise that once I didn’t even wanted to leave. Not because I like this place, not because it’s fun. I think living a life so sheltered like mine when I was younger can make you either be even more drawn back or break away from that shelter. I guess at this stage I’m breaking away. Life has given me nothing but surprises, some bad and some good. I’ll just take the bad ones as a lesson and the good ones as a beautiful memory; after all they are a part of who I am today.
I will continue to grow and be better at what I do and who I am.
This year is going to be my year.
Class of 2009 graduation!!
That is, if I get to graduate ^.^”
March 13, 2009
· Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged falling, friends, life, love, personal, random, relationship, thoughts, writings
Sometimes I believe it’s better to just not feel anything. To be totally numb. Don’t they say that once you’ve been hurt too much, that you won’t feel any more pain?
I would want that. No because I’m afraid of pain or feel like I’ve had enough of pain. No, that’s really not it. It’s feels good to feel pain, because once there is joy; the feeling is even greater than it actually is. It’s like how I love chaos. That adrenaline once I know I have no time left and everything seems to go wrong. Once I’ve finished what I should, the end result gives me the biggest joy.
No.. I want to feel nothing, because I’m afraid of fear. I’m afraid of falling. Once there’s no fear of falling, no fear of fear… I can do everything in the world. I can spread my arms like that and just take that deep fall without even hesitating.
But then again.. pain is just that cause for the fear.
