Archive for October, 2008

Possible To Forget?

October 31, 2008 · Filed under personal · Tagged , , , , ,

I’ve recently watched a show about young woman who had lost her husband due to war. It had been three years since he died, but she still thinks of him every single day. One thing that really strikes me was that she called her mother one morning and told her: ‘I’m so scared, I think I’m losing him.’

I didn’t understand why she said that… Because in my mind, she had lost him physically, but that doesn’t mean he’s not in her heart. But then she said: ‘I can’t remember his laughter anymore. I don’t remember how his fingertips feel like.’

But then I got it. She lost him, but now she’s losing him.

I wonder whether it’s possible to forget someone, forget their face, their body, their smile and expressions when you haven’t seen that person for many, many years?

I’ve asked my friend and she said yes, it’s possible. You’ll slowly forget a person when times passes and no picture is left to remind you how that person looked like. Maybe their colour hair or a vague image will always be in the back of your mind, but you cannot remember exactly how they really were.

I’m scared, too.

I’ve always told everyone, I’ll be leaving this place once I get the chance to. And that moment won’t be far away; if I pass my exams next year and get off high school, I need to go. I said I’d leave everyone behind and would have no regret whatsoever.

But, in the last few months, I don’t want to forget. I don’t think I’d ever forget. -We all move on and we all follow our own path in this life, but I just wish that moment wouldn’t have to come so soon. -As time is so short with my friends.

5 years? -That’s not enough.

10 years? -That’s not enough.

15 years? -That’s not enough.

I’m not afraid to let them go, but I’m terrified to know one day I might forget them.

So take all cameras out, because this moment should not be forgotten.

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My Weird Facts

October 28, 2008 · Filed under personal · Tagged , , , , ,

Today I had the most fun chatting with my friends about our most weirdest quirks/habits and such. One of my friend’s was that everything in her room must match; and it does. Everything’s in either pink or silver…

So, some of my weird facts [and I have many].

  • I’m afraid of dolls. Yes, blame Child’s Play.
  • I only eat apples when they are sliced.
  • I choose which deodorant to use depending on my mood.
    Like when I feel great about everything that day: Vogue Enjoy.
    Or maybe when I feel kind of mellow: Vogue Extravagant.
  • Before I go to bed, I always turn my chair away from me.
  • I always shake my leg or foot, which is quite annoying to others.
  • I can’t whistle..
  • I always listen to music before I go to sleep.
  • My friend of 5 years haven’t seen me anywhere near water or in a bikini/swim suite.
  • I’ve never showered in the morning, until I went a week to Salamanca, Spain last year.
  • I have the tendency to hug guys when I look at their back…
  • I sometimes pretend to not see someone, because I don’t know how to greet them.
  • I do eat herring [ a fish, which you eat raw ], but I don’t eat sushi.
  • Sometimes I do things just to shock other people.
  • I can never sit still. Though I can be quiet for hours.
  • I don’t like to be touched when I’m sleeping; so no arm around me or something. Makes me feel so stuck.
  • I tend to talk to myself.
  • Even when I’m extremely tired, I can’t sleep till midnight when it’s past 10 PM.
  • I’m afraid of snails, maggots and wurms.

So, what are yours? :)

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Control Of Life

October 27, 2008 · Filed under personal · Tagged , , , , ,

As an Asian, things are expected from you. More so than, I believe, westerns. That is for Asian families who hold dearly to old traditions. My family is one of them.

In the past few weeks I’ve began to learn more about myself; more about my past. Why things happened or why they didn’t happen.

As I always tried to be more than everybody else, I always felt like less: not enough. Being an A-student, I could have everything I desire. I could have the most expensive things, even though I knew it was only because my family wanted to stimulate me to go to school. They wanted to motivate me. As if I wasn’t.

I’ve always been aware of my family’s situation; we were different, in any aspect from other families. Not only because we were foreign and thought differently. We were poor. In the sense of not having enough money to go on holiday, having to live with 6 people in one house with 3 bedrooms. I knew that and I wanted to do everything to just get out of that situation. And I still do.
I used to constantly complain about why we had to move. Wondering whether life could really be better if we had stayed. But knowing complaining won’t get me far, I’ve stopped doing that and finally accept the way how it is. For me to someday live the life I want, I have to work. That simple.

But work to one day be what? A doctor, a lawyer! That is what every Asian family wants their children to be. The more I grew up, the more I tried to break free from that clingy feeling I’d get of everybody wanting and expecting me to be what they want: a doctor or lawyer. It’s almost castrophobic, I can’t seem to breathe easily and I feel like trapped.
As an Asian woman, you should stay at home as much as possible as well. There’s your husband and kids to take care of, families for you to give attention to and people you don’t really know, but try to impress somehow by showing them you’ve got the perfect home.

I’ve taken drastic decisions, just to take chances and maybe scare my family a bit and prove them wrong; I can be more without having to be a doctor. Nor do I ever want to stay at home and be just a wife. I seriously considered to become an executive, working behind the scenes. A job that is only available for those who would truly want to work for it. After that, I wanted to become a journalist. Writing the most awesome articles and witnessing the most dangerous happenings.

I was almost there. I got it all planned out and I knew exactly how to handle it.

But then, like my common sense had struck me, I suddenly drifted away from that idea. I did not want to be a journalist: it was far too risky for me. I had it all planned out, but as a journalist, nothing is planned out. There’s always something happening, that is out of your control and you just have to be there and make sure you report it.

No. I like to have control. Control over my work, my ways and my life.

How ironical it is to see how I’ve desperately avoided to become anything, but the Asian stereotype and end up wanting to become a businesswoman. Something that also falls into the category of the Asian stereotype: business and economics.

I don’t know why, but somehow it just attracts me. Though having that secure control of your work, knowing I will always have a chance at a job, the somewhat uncertain aspect of traveling everywhere for business meetings and speak foreign languages at your best makes me feel tingly inside. Like butterflies, actually. Control, yet challenge: exactly what I’ve been wanting all my life.

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If I Could Make Her Smile Again..

October 21, 2008 · Filed under personal · Tagged , ,

I’ve talked to her again. After all this time, maybe even for almost a year, we haven’t said more than one or two sentences to eachother. But then there she was. Smiling at me so wide her eyes became small.

I remember that smile.

Although I haven’t seen it in a while, I can still remember when it was meant for me.

I miss her voice and her caring ways. When she always made sure I was involved in almost everything that she did.

You know, there are some people you’ll forget in time. There are some, you wonder what had happened to them and there are some you who’ve made such an impact on you, you cannot forget.

She’s the one person I’m sure I can’t forget. Whether I try to or not.
We haven’t had a decent conversation for almost two years, but she never really went out of my mind since she was the first person who I thought for the first time made me feel special. Unique, that there was something about me that made her stay and become friends. And no one had ever made me feel that way.

I wanted her to smile more though, but her smile faded fast and I could tell she was sad. Somewhat ‘out of this world’, not knowing exactly why she’s here. And I felt sad, because I used to be the one to cheer her up, to be her friend. 

But I gave up that title.

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My New Baby: The Cowon iAudio D2

October 18, 2008 · Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged , , , , ,

The truth is, I’m addicted to music. I can’t go a day without. Either I’ll jam on my guitar (not very well) or you’ll find me singing along to the latest hits on the radio ♥ while fixing my hair and playing a game [multi-tasking girl? Yes!].

Other than other girls who’ll get an iPod to lessen their music desire, the iPod however does not satisfy me in any aspect with the lack of quality in its features. Audio, videos and photos… They’re ok. Just not enough for me. Audio sounds flat and as a music lover I’m looking for an mp3-player that would live up to my expectations from what I have from my iRiver H10 5GB exactly 5 years ago.

I got it for my birthday from my brother. It was my first mp3-player and oh… how I loved that little device… until I it wouldn’t turn on anymore, not even a year after purchase!
I remember even crying about that thing… hmm… moving on…
Not long after that I was desperately looking for a new mp3-player. [I'm a music-addict, remember?] I didn’t look much for features and quality, but just got the first player I set my eyes on. Which was the… [drums please...] …
The Creative Zen Microphoto 8GB.
It was a great player, the music quality was not bad and a lot of space for my music files. However, it died as well when I accidently dropped it on my way home.
Then I got the Ricatech RC-2405 2GB…
Seems like the shuffle mode doesn’t have any affect on the player. It plays the first track every single time. And even when I would choose a different song, the first track would follow right up! Along with the tracks after that… *sight*
Now… to prevent myself to make that same stupid mistake again, I did research on the mp3-players that were out there carefully. Reading every single review, reading through countless of forums and finally… I’ve found ‘the best PMP of the year 2007′….
The Cowon iAudio D2 4GB
And yes, this is my new player. I am so glad I have waited a whole year for the D2, since it’s quite pricey in comparison to other players like the Creative Zen X-fi, which I first wanted to get. However, it’s all worth the money. It has a touchscreen interface and I do not recommend it to anyone who’s a total noob at little gadgets like this one, since it’s not user-friendly for those who are used to Creative or iRiver players. I find the design awesome, just like my previous one [the only thing that was good about it], but just a little bigger and refined. The music quality is just there, I think even better than my iRiver H10 was. I haven’t tried video, because I never use it anyway. But I’ve played a CF that was already on the player and I got so excited I bumped my little nephew over… :P The only not-so-good thing is that the reception for the radio is horrible. Really.
However, there’s a notepad and you can even play games. :)
I just ♥ it!

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That One Sentence

October 10, 2008 · Filed under personal · Tagged , , ,

A year or two ago, I was a pretty messed up girl. My biggest mistake was lying to my friends, causing them not to trust me anymore.

However, I’ve changed my life, my ways and myself and I’d like to share with you a conversation that had given me the push to actually wanting to be more than what I was before.

It was during class in 10th grade, where we’d normally have some time to chit chat and relax before class begins.

I was quite happy that day; nothing special happened, but schoolyear had just started and I felt like a new person. She sat right next to me. Like we always did in 10th grade, because besides eachother, we didn’t know anyone else. It was the beginning of a new year and I felt like a new person also. During classes we tend to talk a lot. Telling eachother the latest happenings and what we’ve heard. This time, what she told me was about me:

“It’s really bad, but when you sent me the text-message last night, my mom asked me from whom it was. I told her it was you and you know what she said?

You’re still hanging out with that sick child? She had lied her ass off to you!

So I said: Gosh, I already forgave and forget!“

 

 

 

Because she forgave me.

 

 

 

 

That’s who I am today.

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16 Going On 17

October 5, 2008 · Filed under personal · Tagged , , , , , ,

I remember last year turning 16 was hard for me. I didn’t feel ready to be sixteen, since there are so many responsibilities I should take and so many things I have to do on my own.

Now, I’m 17 and I can’t believe how fast time flies by. But I love it. I love how this year has passed me by; fast, but joyful. A year I’ve learned more about myself than I could have the 15 years before. I’ve got my family, my ambitions and dreams. But most of all, I have my friends. They didn’t forget about me and have constantly made me feel there’s no one else who could replace me.

Today is my birthday and I could not be more content and happy.

I woke up at the sound of my cell-phone, because my friend had sent me a text-message saying happy birthday.
My other friend had called me just now and we chatted for ten minutes, saying she’s sorry she can’t come over.
My mother gave me a purple pashmina for my birthday, when I told her I needed a new scarf without even considering her buying me anything for my birthday.

Finally, I know, I´m fucking lucky.

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