They say that somewhere along the way I lost my heart. I lost it as easily as losing my keys or phone. Never noticed until someone actually told me. Technically, of course I have a heart. It’s helping me breathe every second of my life, but whether it’s beating for someone I’m not quite sure myself, because I assumed it had stopped beating a long time ago.
They don’t know, but it’s actually a lot harder to not love someone rather than doing it. Your heart gets tired and your mind uneasy, because you have to put so much strength in it to push someone away. I did it many times and now I’m worn out, exhausted. Weak.
Even my dad walked out me. I guess I couldn’t be enough and so he left. I don’t miss him, but I long to have a father like all my friends do. Someone other than my mom to rely on; to show my new apartment to; to be there when I graduate. I can’t remember spending a birthday with him. He missed my first day at school, the day I went away from home for the first time alone, he even missed the moment that I was born. He wasn’t there from the start. My mom didn’t give love another shot after he left. She isn’t heartless though. She’s just damaged and can’t heal her heart. I always wanted her to find happiness though. That feeling of waking up next to someone who loves you maybe to her is just an unrealistic dream or one that is now over. I want her to be happy, but this lacking daughter sure is good for nothing. How can I possibly fix a heart, if I don’t even have one myself?
I’m afraid, not for myself, but for the one that comes along… Having to love a girl so heartless like me.
