Archive for personal
August 13, 2009
· Filed under personal · Tagged change, friend, happiness, life, love, personal, random, thoughts, writing, writings
On July 15th, 2008 with the post “Grow Up” I have started this blog. I was determined to keep it updated. I have for over a year and now it’s time for me to move on.
Many don’t know, but I have this habit of changing everything once I begin a new start. Going to college and moving away is no exception. I have put all my emotions and feelings of the past year into this blog, trying to put them into words. Sometimes I failed, but continued to write and write whatever that was on my mind. Sometimes it didn’t make sense, other times maybe people had a difficult time trying to understand me.
And when I say I change everything… I’ve changed everything, really. My email-address, blog, usernames, passwords and accounts. Everything that I have identified myself with for the last few years on the web.
I’m dropping this blog and start a whole new one. Where, I don’t know yet. Though from this day on, I’m going by the name Imeline; which holds a more special meaning than either anothercupofcoffee or KuchiQ.
Time for me to begin a whole new journey and with that closing this blog as well as this chapter of my life.
August 5, 2009
· Filed under personal · Tagged afraid, believes, change, changes, college, dreams, family, friend, friends, goodbye, happiness, life, love, personal, problems, random, thoughts, writing, writings
Not very long ago this person was a huge part of my life. She was my friend. She was never there though and when she was that was only because I was the only one left. A substitute. Though I didn’t mind. I loved to spend every minute with her as through the years we’ve known each other I grew more and more attached to her. I was often the last one she’d greeted and sometimes she wouldn’t even greet at all and walk past me just like that. But how could I blame her. I was the one who wasn’t there in the first place. Afraid of losing her even more, I tried almost everything to have her staying. And not because she felt like it, but because of me. I wanted to be the first.
Finally that moment came when she was just there. Because I was fun to be around and helpful when needed. But then again there was someone else who was better.
I see her drift away more and more. Though she texts me once in a while, she doesn’t know half what’s going on in my life and I have no idea what she’s up to. And the fact that I find it not that bad at all scares me. I’m not wanting her to be around anymore, I don’t get excited when I see her name on my screen. Can friendship really change that quickly or is it because I’m no longer in need to hold on to someone ?
I’ll be a good friend and I’ll keep my promise. But I’m also starting to believe that she doesn’t want to be that big of a part of my life anyhow. She doesn’t seem to miss me. And because of that I’m going to stop missing her.
While you’ve always been my first, I’m never going to be yours. I’m sorry…
I give up.
June 21, 2009
· Filed under personal · Tagged afraid, change, changes, college, dad, divorce, dreams, family, father, graduation, happiness, life, love, mom, mother, personal, random, thoughts, writings
They say that somewhere along the way I lost my heart. I lost it as easily as losing my keys or phone. Never noticed until someone actually told me. Technically, of course I have a heart. It’s helping me breathe every second of my life, but whether it’s beating for someone I’m not quite sure myself, because I assumed it had stopped beating a long time ago.
They don’t know, but it’s actually a lot harder to not love someone rather than doing it. Your heart gets tired and your mind uneasy, because you have to put so much strength in it to push someone away. I did it many times and now I’m worn out, exhausted. Weak.
Even my dad walked out me. I guess I couldn’t be enough and so he left. I don’t miss him, but I long to have a father like all my friends do. Someone other than my mom to rely on; to show my new apartment to; to be there when I graduate. I can’t remember spending a birthday with him. He missed my first day at school, the day I went away from home for the first time alone, he even missed the moment that I was born. He wasn’t there from the start. My mom didn’t give love another shot after he left. She isn’t heartless though. She’s just damaged and can’t heal her heart. I always wanted her to find happiness though. That feeling of waking up next to someone who loves you maybe to her is just an unrealistic dream or one that is now over. I want her to be happy, but this lacking daughter sure is good for nothing. How can I possibly fix a heart, if I don’t even have one myself?
I’m afraid, not for myself, but for the one that comes along… Having to love a girl so heartless like me.
June 19, 2009
· Filed under personal · Tagged afraid, change, changes, college, family, graduation, happiness, life, mother, personal, problems, random, study, thoughts, writings
Talking about embarking on a journey I’ve wanted all my life. Having almost no time to enjoy wonderful moments that I have made the last few weeks, I now have to face the struggles that are coming my way, way sooner than I thought they’d be. College, dorms and moving away sounds all nice and fun when you’re stuck in a small village almost your whole life with only college as your way to get out of there. I’ll find out soon I guess.
Before making my way to school, I spent at least half an hour in a café near our train stop. Sipping my soda slowly I can’t help but think about all things that had happened in just a few weeks..
My brother and sister-in-law are expecting a baby… however there were some complications when they visited the doctor. There was no embryo nor a heartbeat to detect. I heard my brother cried. My sister-in-law cried. My mother cried. I was useless then, not knowing how to support them. Not knowing what to say or do in situations like that. So I just locked up my room and spent my time behind a computer looking up symptoms of misscarriages or any other symptoms of any other things that my sister-in-law might have. I couldn’t find anything. So I just stared at the screen. A small embryo lying curled up in a mom’s tummy. I couldn’t provide the care and support they needed. I couldn’t do anything.
Graduating this year feels almost like a dream to me. But every dream and every good thing has a down side to it.
I received an envelope from my college. A heavy one. I opened quickly as I was anticipating some fun announcement. I just saw 4 digits.
You know how everyone always says: ‘Money isn’t important.” ? My mom was the only one who didn’t believe that and told me constantly that money isn’t the most important thing, but important enough to have almost everything in this world to be evolved around it. I guess hard work, determination and willpower isn’t all you need to succeed. I’m worried whether I can make it. It’s a lot of money on the line; money that we simply do not have. And because of that, I feel guilty. It sounds weird but because of my wish to go to college, not only so far away but also in an intense study program, the costs are beyond our imaginations. I could’ve stayed home, be content with a college just an hour away. Instead, I choose to walk this tiresome path, not only to me but also to my whole family. Have I made the right choice? I keep putting on weigh on my family’s already shagging shoulders. I’m sorry…
I will succeed. Just wait.
June 11, 2009
· Filed under personal · Tagged friend, friends, goodbye, life, love, personal, random, school, study, thoughts, writings
In exactly one week it will be confirmed whether I get to graduate this year. It has been tough those five years, but time went on quicker than I could prepare myself to. In one flash I was there, standing in front of, what seemed to me at that time, a huge building with red doors and blue window frames. Little did I know every step to graduation would be a struggle, while I was convinced I could easily go through the years.
Again, in the blink of an eye I’m this far. Waiting for the results and hoping I can actually fullfill my dreams for the following years as I get up on there on that stage to have my mentor handing me my diploma. Wouldn’t that be great? I have been dreaming of that moment for as long as I can remember. Standing there together with my friends, sharing our excitement and nervousness.
Will this year be the year I move away? The year I will be living in a dorm, having to start from scratch, stepping into a whole new and alien city.. or world for that matter.
Will this year be my year?
April 12, 2009
· Filed under personal · Tagged friends, happiness, i love you, life, personal, random, saying I love you, special, thoughts, translation lyrics, wonder girls, writings
You’d always ask me,
‘how come you never say “I love you?”
do you really love me?’
But you know,
I wanted something more sweeter,
I want to confess to you just like those lovers from movies, so that you won’t forget
I’ve waited for the white snow
I’ll confess to you now, the words I’ve held back
I love you
your smile brighter than the sunset
your two hands that embraced me
I love you, I love you
I promise that I will never leave you
I will always tell it to you face-to-face
You ask me what’s to hesitate about,
‘is it that hard?
I want to hear what you got to say’
But you know,
I wanted something more special,
I want a special day I can always remember, so that it won’t pass forgotten
I’ve waited for the white snow
I’ll confess to you now, the words I’ve held back
I love you
your smile brighter than the sunset
your two hands that embraced me
I love you, I love you
I promise that I will never leave you
I will always tell it to you face-to-face
I don’t want to separate with you
not even a single moment
when I lean on you, I hope the time will stop
I love you
I love you
your smile brighter than the sunset
your two hands that embraced me
I love you, I love you
I promise that I will never leave you
I will always tell it to you face-to-face
I love you, I love you
loving you, loving you
I love you
Credits to: www.jpopasia.com
“I love you.”
Really, how often has this topic passed by on my blog? Maybe two or four times I can’t even remember. All I know is that I haven’t been able to say these words for quite some time now. Shouldn’t that moment have come already, I think to myself. Because even though being all soft and emotional is not my cup of coffee [ 
], I guess I start to understand now what this phrase means:
“You say it, because that’s the way you feel.”
Knowing well how cold-hearted and bitter I can be, it never even crossed my mind to say it just because I do. The number of times I have been able to force myself to do it can be counted on a pair of hands.
The number of times I meant it on the other hand… I think only once and that was to my mom.
It was a strange habit really; telling the ones I know I don’t love that I do, but then I tend to keep everything in silence from the ones I do love. It has been a while though since the last time those words have slipped my mouth. Should I start to say them again?
Oh my… I don’t think I can. I’ll rather love in silence~!
April 9, 2009
· Filed under personal · Tagged friends, graduation, life, love, new, personal, random, thoughts, writings
Anxious as I’m about start a new life somewhere around this year. Just a bit more wait and patient I think I’m able to get out of here. It’s so strange how I look back and realise that once I didn’t even wanted to leave. Not because I like this place, not because it’s fun. I think living a life so sheltered like mine when I was younger can make you either be even more drawn back or break away from that shelter. I guess at this stage I’m breaking away. Life has given me nothing but surprises, some bad and some good. I’ll just take the bad ones as a lesson and the good ones as a beautiful memory; after all they are a part of who I am today.
I will continue to grow and be better at what I do and who I am.
This year is going to be my year.
Class of 2009 graduation!!
That is, if I get to graduate ^.^”
February 20, 2009
· Filed under personal · Tagged afraid, changes, dear friend, friend, friends, friendship, letter, letter of my heart #8, life, love, personal, problems, random, sorry, special, the end, thoughts, writings
Dear friend,
as the end is near us, I’m afraid I won’t remember your face anymore. How you smile and your eyes twinkle. I have been waiting too long to let you in and when I finally have.. it’s might be too late. I know it hurts right now, but please be strong and hold your head up high. Someday, time will erase me from your mind and heart. And maybe that’s the best thing. But please forgive me for not willing to forget you. You’ve been and are that one friend I never thought I would come across ever in my life. You’ve changed it. Changed my views, my way of living and my dreams. You’ve changed me and simply for the better. I will hold every single memory closeby for I’m afraid I might lose them. Thank you, for being such an important part of my life.. even more so than you’d ever thought…
I just… I dream of being free and independent; but most of all to start all over and forget every single person left in my life. I told you that and you know, but forgive me once more if I’m not able to let you go that easily. Forgive me if I want you to stay. I have not wanted to care for you. Ever. But it just happened and at this very moment, I’m not regretting it even one bit. Like I expected it to be, it hurts. It’s tiring and heavy on my shoulders. That’s why I didn’t want to care, to love or anything that came near that. And even so I gave more than I was willing to lose. But that was one time I wanted to risk being hurt and now I can’t get out. I cannot not care or feel hurt and lost. I tried to fix it; I failed. Now, I might care too much and surprisingly I don’t mind.
Just live your life happily, with or without me. But I think you will. I know you will.
Love always,
…
January 28, 2009
· Filed under personal · Tagged life, love, personal, random, thoughts, writings
I apologize for keeping in silence that I am allowed to love you.
I do love, I do feel and I do treasure. But somehow I am not able to say it out loud.
Gosh…
Love is stupid! But I stupid you..
January 14, 2009
· Filed under personal · Tagged confuse, personal, school, study, thoughts, what to do, writings
Well, I’m stuck. I’m lost and confused. I don’t know what to do.
My friends all have their minds set on one profession they want, on the one thing they want to do. They all seem to know what they want, even when they were little; they knew.
Now, I’m 17-years old. Only 5 months until I (hopefully!) graduate from high school and I don’t even have a clue what I’m going to study. Again, I’m lost, confused and it frustrates me that doubt began to kick in right about the moment I thought I had it.
How did you decide what study programme you wanted to do? Was it something that was just coincidence and you just rolled into the business? Or are you finally living the dream you had when you were a child?
Please, give some suggestions as well. I’d love to hear them. 
