When I was younger there was nothing that I feared. I wasn’t afraid to get hurt, to be seen as bad or to be judged. I just took the step and did whatever I wanted to do. Because it was fun.
Growing up I find myself thinking more and more about the consequences before taking that step. And a lot of times, eventually I didn’t take the step at all. I was afraid. Afraid what people might think of me. Would they still like me? Will they think differently of me? I began to stay more and more in the background as it was the safest place to me. If you don’t do anything, there’s no one who can say anything about you. As a result, no one ever saw me. Thinking that was what I wanted, I started to be even more withdrawn and answer only quietly when being asked. As much as I hated it, I was seen as the ‘perfect’ Asian daughter, anyone wished to have. I was smart, polite, quiet, reserved and unlike other Asian kids, I knew how to speak Vietnamese.
I wrote I was, but I still am that girl I just described. Though I hope no one will ever judge someone blindly on how they describe themselves as. We think we are what we are, but it’s a fact that you should never expect someone to be who they tell you they are. I said I’m smart, but what is really considered smart? Street-smart or high grades?
I do well in school, but it’s not the fact that I’m ’smart’ that has gotten me to where I am right now. A person can memorize every single word from a book and get an A on a test that way, but that does nowhere mean that they are the ones who later will be filling the spots of people our children and grandchildren will look up to. Why do we look up to people? Is it because they are rich, powerful and intelligent? I’m sure it’s just that those are the things we wish we’d have as well. The ones who actually deserve to be living on dreams are not the ones who happen to be most smartest kid in high school. They are the ones who have been showing hard work and determination by working for what they want. My heart is cold and I’m filled with doubts. But I know well enough that their hearts have once been cold as well and that doubt has always been a part of their lives.
I’m nowhere near perfect, I’m not smart and I’m not pretty. But I’m not going to be afraid. I’m going to be stronger than anyone else.
Exactly one year ago I met this girl at work. She was thirteen years old at the time and needed a new cellphone, which her parents did not want to pay for. As we were stuck that summer doing nothing else but to put stickers on boxes for six weeks straight, we happened to hit it off well despite our age-difference of three years. She’s probably the most spontaneous girl I’ve ever met, not afraid to approach people and get to know them. During that summer, even though it wasn’t long enough for us to truly get to know each other, we bluntly shared our most hidden secrets without hesitation. Maybe because we both had too much secrets.
Today I met her again. Like a year ago, she cheerfully walked up to me giving her big smile. She hasn’t changed one bit; still that rebellious little girl. We only met for a little while before she left. Thinking back on that summer it seems like she got caught up with the need of popularity and friends these days among teenagers even more this year. She has started smoking, not only cigarettes, but also weed. Failing classes, dropping classes… Yet, aside from all that we talked like we saw each other every day.. We never run out of topics.
Our lives differ so much. She’s from a high class family for whom I work for during the summer to save money for college. She’s popular, has many friends and the only reason she worked in the company was because she wanted sunglasses up to a price that her parents did not want to buy for her. – I’m not.
Still, two persons can have random and mindless conversations just because we want someone to listen.
Seems almost like someone, in this case Jordin, knows how I feel and had perfectly put it into words. <3
It’s pouring outside, and my roof is leaking
I just let the raindrops bleed out the ink from my notebook sheets, and
Today’s a Thursday, and then it’s three days late
I marked on the calendar, and circled today’s date
This is the last straw, this isn’t life here
I’m packing my dreams up, and leaving my nightmares
And they say go west ’till you feel the sunset
And there you’ll become a star
So I traded my skinny jeans for dreams and limousines
And I’m gone
I’ll send you a postcard, saying I’m alright (alright)
On the back, that I’m in love with life
I’ll send you a postcard, and sign my name in the stars
My radio’s turned up, a full tank in my car
And I promise we’ll be together
I’ll never say never, I’ll always remember goodbye
‘Cause I gotta go
I’ll send you a postcard
Smashing on the gas, 95 on the highway
Got about a thousand more miles to go, I might make it by Friday
The road’s never ending, I never slow pace, and
The choice is now all mine, for my destination
They ask why I’m rushing, my dreams are waiting
So fasten your seatbelt, ’cause I’m gonna make it
And they say go west ’till you feel the sunset
And there you’ll become a star
So I traded my skinny jeans for dreams and limousines
And I’m gone
To whom it may concern, whoever this gets to
There’s no looking back, I took off my rearview
Got my hopes on the passenger side
There’s only room for two
And I’ll..
Do you know what my wish was everytime I saw that shiny star up in the sky? I wished to get out of here some day, to be more. Because I wasn’t happy. I tried really hard and I think for a moment I almost believed I was.
I’ve followed that same route home for the last 14 years and I’m still walking to the other side of the road to avoid words of humiliation. Little kids following me, mouthing words.. But that’s okay… they say that words don’t hurt right? Well, that has to be the biggest lie ever.
But here I am. I’m about to pack my bags to somewhere else, leaving this place – this life behind. I’m not saying the place I’m going to will bring me happiness – not at all. I’m just worn out because of this place. I’m not happy and it weakens me even more when I try to be happy. It may be the wrong decision, it may not be. But I’m going to take this jump for what it’s worth. It seems so surreal, but I’m finally doing it. My mom is proud of me, I know that. And I can’t be more thankful for having such a wonderful mother, respecting and supporting every little decision I make.
It’s not like I’m forgetting this life and will only know the new one though. This life that I have right now, no matter how many tears it had caused me, still is a part of me. I’m just leaving it behind; closing this chapter of my story and ready to begin a new one.
High school friends, teachers, acquaintances, childhood friends… I won’t remember them. Some will remain beautifully in my memory though. Some I’ve truly loved and still do. However, this is life. I’ve made my choice, they made theirs. We happen to go seperate ways and we may never see each other again. It hurt so much when I first realized it, but now I’m used to it. It happens.
Often I find myself pushing down the ’snooze’-button several times before even realizing it’s the alarm-clock that I’ve set way too late for me to take a quick shower, brush my teeth, choose my clothes, put them on, comb my hair and eat breakfast so that I can still look fairly presentable despite my charming eyebags and the thought that my socks do not match because I was blindly rushed for work. [One hell of a sentence, huh ]
My hair that I know will be messed up anyway, still deserves at least 5 minutes from my time being late. That one rule that you should never ever go to bed straight away when you just washed your hair? I’ve broken it many times. Just for fun really . And of course to end up with strokes of my hair raising 5cm above my head and some twisting to the wrong direction, I happily rush to my oh so lovely job.
My summer-job, however, doesn’t require me to show up in anything near the words decent or presentable. I can show up in a bikini [which one particular person did last year] without having to worry they will throw me out. Instead, I can count on some more companions during lunchtime and a boss who suddenly shows interest in the little that is left of my life outside of work, not smelling of salt water and seaweed. Which I’m sure will lead to conversations that contain either the word ‘wanker’ or ‘kurwa’. Use a dictionary for the last one.
Having said that, Polish people [get the hint? ^ ] have been invading my company and I’m not afraid to say that at least 60% of my co-workers are from Poland – the link to my post title. Now I’m not saying that Polish people are creepy, not at all. However, there are some people I’ve come accross while working that cannot seem to concentrate well on their work – which basically is loading boxes of 10kg of mussels in and out, while cleaning, mopping away the salt water being soaking wet of the rain and all that for $5 an hour. Hurray.
Maybe it’s because they do not have Asians in Poland or because they just think I’m weird – either way, being stared at for a good 5 minutes doesn’t quite make me very comfortable nor make them seem approachable or even okay. Occasionally a wink from this guy – who is quite nice – does make me wonder whether I’ve been a victim of ‘work-flirting’ because I happen to be, unlike some, approachable. The main reason, in my opinion, I think would be the fact that I’m some ‘new flesh’ after some time being stuck with the same girls who pretty much are clones, smoke too much and whom’s names always end with -a. Ex: Dominica, Monica, Veronica, Aisha… You get the idea.
However, after a long day at work being drenched in the lovely smell of the ocean [and its creatures like mussles, oisters and seasnails] does make me love the weekends even more. Days where my hair looks quite hot, my outfit not a jumpsuite with army boots and getting to chat with someone who doesn’t only show interest when you have a cleavage down to your belly.
All in all; creepy co-workers and bad hair-days are a must in a girl’s life – it makes you appreciate things more when these two do not join forces to wreck your day
I thought I could walk this path easily without any problem, only to find myself weaker than ever. I can only cry and show that I have no strength in the late nights, because I cannot be weak in front of others. My body is tired, but so is my soul. Each day I wake up only to strengthen my heart again for the day and tell myself to hold on just for awhile longer.
I’m really tired and it makes it even harder when there’s no one to share those thoughts with. I just endlessly work and keep on running without knowing how to stop. It makes me forget everything for a bit and how I deeply miss having someone close-by to rest my head on.
Instead there’s my pillow to take all my tears and only music that describes my feelings for that moment.
I miss hearing someone’s voice, reassuring me that it’s going to be ok, even if I know it’s not going to be so.
Let’s pretend there won’t be an end and we’ll just be there for each other until time let us be, ok? I know it will be hard and there are times we all will want to give up, but you’re stronger than anyone else. Don’t let disappointments that don’t matter affect your pretty life. Seeing you happy makes me happy. I hope that in times when you’re frustrated, disappointed or just tired that you would come to me. Even if it’s just five minutes to lay your head down. We’re friends.
Also I am determined to keep my promise, so you won’t get rid of me that easily… I know I told you of goodbye, but I guess I lied ^.^” Rather than having those thoughts, let’s complete reality first.
Let’s reach for the very end, until we aren’t capable to reach any further.
It’s your dream. Something you’ve worked for your whole life. The reason you went to school for every single day.
It’s hard, but not everyone is granted with a chance like this. It’s right in front of you now and you shouldn’t let it slip out of your hands. I still have your sister and brother, they will take care of me. All my life I’ve been waiting for the day that you’ll be able to follow your dream.
So don’t worry, just go.
- Mom
My college is 2 ½ hours away from home taking the train. I began having doubts, about whether I should go away that far after all. My mom isn’t in good health and I worry that I won’t be home in time when something happens.
It was our first real talk. The first time she has given me advice on how to do it, leading me the way. I had many thoughts about it. Basically, you can say that I’m running away from my responsibilities of a daughter. I’m not taking care of her, instead I’ll leave it to my sister and brother.
However, mom. I’ll make you proud by achieving so many things you will never expect from me. I’ll give you a comfortable life, I promise. And I’m not breaking any more promises than I already had. Thank you~
Yesterday was the last official day in school. Rather than feeling happy and excited to enter a new world, I felt an overwhelming sensation of… sadness? Somehow leaving school didn’t feel that great when the moment finally came. It was the end and even though I’ve always looked forward to it, it came so abruptly that it hit me harder than I thought it would be.
We all gathered in town to spend ’some time’ with each other I guess. We talked and laughed and were trying not to think of the exams. I spent a good hour with my friend alone and as expected, we had more fun than ever. It’s always like that isn’t it? When the end is coming near, time with the ones you care about start to become more precious and special. We really tried to avoid the subject ‘goodbye’, because we knew this would be one of our last times together. We won’t be able to see each other that often anymore, even if we wanted to.
The funny thing is, I’ve never expected myself to feel this way in the first place. That I’d… miss her…?
We were basically preparing to the ‘real’ goodbye. The real last time, the moment we would walk up to our teacher and receive our diploma. However, I haven’t prepared to feel this way so saying goodbye really is hard. I could tell she felt the same way. Even though we both were acting tough in front of each other, the moment when it came down to it we both became weak and maybe even scared to realise it is over.
My dream is to achieve the things that my family were never able to do. I dream to be successful and earn enough money to have a comfortable life. I want to travel and see things, experience things that no one else ever has. I want to graduate from high school, being the only one in the family who has made so far. Study, experience the life of a college student and how it is to live a life that is by no means easy.
Because I’ll be in college soon, I’ll be moving 2 ½ hours away. I did that on purpose, not only for myself but also for my mother.
Because my mother’s life never was easy, I want to give her the freedom that she’s allowed to have now. I think she never really had any freedom at all in her whole life. She couldn’t go to school because of war and later had to get married, giving away her dream of being a student, studying to be a nurse. She loves those white long dresses they wear in college in Vietnam and schoolbooks they carry in their arms. It was her dream to be one of them. Secret love-letters and enjoying friends’ company… she really wanted that.
She then got kids and as a mother, your responsibility and obligation to take care of your children never ends. Though till’ this day, I want to show her I can be fine on my own. She can rest and enjoy her free time. There will be someone else to take care of me, when I’m not able to.
She… has never had a comfortable life. So I want to be able to give her that by making as much money as I can. I want her to buy whatever she likes, do whatever she wants to and just enjoy the life that she has now. I’m still lacking in many ways and I’m nowhere near that dream yet, but I don’t want her to feel sorry for herself anymore. How life is so unfair to her and the idea of money is giving her headache. She needs to be feel free for once, live the way she wants with no obligations or worries. I want to give her that. My way of saying “thank you”, I guess?
Sometimes I believe it’s better to just not feel anything. To be totally numb. Don’t they say that once you’ve been hurt too much, that you won’t feel any more pain?
I would want that. No because I’m afraid of pain or feel like I’ve had enough of pain. No, that’s really not it. It’s feels good to feel pain, because once there is joy; the feeling is even greater than it actually is. It’s like how I love chaos. That adrenaline once I know I have no time left and everything seems to go wrong. Once I’ve finished what I should, the end result gives me the biggest joy.
No.. I want to feel nothing, because I’m afraid of fear. I’m afraid of falling. Once there’s no fear of falling, no fear of fear… I can do everything in the world. I can spread my arms like that and just take that deep fall without even hesitating.
But then again.. pain is just that cause for the fear.
A 17-year old girl living the life of a teenager, I write about the life that I'm living, the roads I take while embarking on this journey. Happiness as well as sadness; joy and struggles. About the common things in life put in the perspective of a young Asian woman.
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] have been invading my company and I’m not afraid to say that at least 60% of my co-workers are from Poland – the link to my post title. Now I’m not saying that Polish people are creepy, not at all. However, there are some people I’ve come accross while working that cannot seem to concentrate well on their work – which basically is loading boxes of 10kg of mussels in and out, while cleaning, mopping away the salt water being soaking wet of the rain and all that for $5 an hour. Hurray.
