On July 15th, 2008 with the post “Grow Up” I have started this blog. I was determined to keep it updated. I have for over a year and now it’s time for me to move on.

Many don’t know, but I have this habit of changing everything once I begin a new start. Going to college and moving away is no exception. I have put all my emotions and feelings of the past year into this blog, trying to put them into words. Sometimes I failed, but continued to write and write whatever that was on my mind. Sometimes it didn’t make sense, other times maybe people had a difficult time trying to understand me.

And when I say I change everything… I’ve changed everything, really. My email-address, blog, usernames, passwords and accounts. Everything that I have identified myself with for the last few years on the web.

I’m dropping this blog and start a whole new one. Where, I don’t know yet. Though from this day on, I’m going by the name Imeline; which holds a more special meaning than either anothercupofcoffee or KuchiQ.

Time for me to begin a whole new journey and with that closing this blog as well as this chapter of my life.

When I was younger there was nothing that I feared. I wasn’t afraid to get hurt, to be seen as bad or to be judged. I just took the step and did whatever I wanted to do. Because it was fun.
Growing up I find myself thinking more and more about the consequences before taking that step. And a lot of times, eventually I didn’t take the step at all. I was afraid. Afraid what people might think of me. Would they still like me? Will they think differently of me? I began to stay more and more in the background as it was the safest place to me. If you don’t do anything, there’s no one who can say anything about you. As a result, no one ever saw me. Thinking that was what I wanted, I started to be even more withdrawn and answer only quietly when being asked. As much as I hated it, I was seen as the ‘perfect’ Asian daughter, anyone wished to have. I was smart, polite, quiet, reserved and unlike other Asian kids, I knew how to speak Vietnamese.

I wrote I was, but I still am that girl I just described. Though I hope no one will ever judge someone blindly on how they describe themselves as. We think we are what we are, but it’s a fact that you should never expect someone to be who they tell you they are. I said I’m smart, but what is really considered smart? Street-smart or high grades?

I do well in school, but it’s not the fact that I’m ’smart’ that has gotten me to where I am right now. A person can memorize every single word from a book and get an A on a test that way, but that does nowhere mean that they are the ones who later will be filling the spots of people our children and grandchildren will look up to. Why do we look up to people? Is it because they are rich, powerful and intelligent? I’m sure it’s just that those are the things we wish we’d have as well. The ones who actually deserve to be living on dreams are not the ones who happen to be most smartest kid in high school. They are the ones who have been showing hard work and determination by working for what they want. My heart is cold and I’m filled with doubts. But I know well enough that their hearts have once been cold as well and that doubt has always been a part of their lives.

I’m nowhere near perfect, I’m not smart and I’m not pretty. But I’m not going to be afraid. I’m going to be stronger than anyone else.

Not very long ago this person was a huge part of my life. She was my friend. She was never there though and when she was that was only because I was the only one left. A substitute. Though I didn’t mind. I loved to spend every minute with her as through the years we’ve known each other I grew more and more attached to her. I was often the last one she’d greeted and sometimes she wouldn’t even greet at all and walk past me just like that. But how could I blame her. I was the one who wasn’t there in the first place. Afraid of losing her even more, I tried almost everything to have her staying. And not because she felt like it, but because of me. I wanted to be the first.
Finally that moment came when she was just there. Because I was fun to be around and helpful when needed. But then again there was someone else who was better.

I see her drift away more and more. Though she texts me once in a while, she doesn’t know half what’s going on in my life and I have no idea what she’s up to. And the fact that I find it not that bad at all scares me. I’m not wanting her to be around anymore, I don’t get excited when I see her name on my screen. Can friendship really change that quickly or is it because I’m no longer in need to hold on to someone ?

I’ll be a good friend and I’ll keep my promise. But I’m also starting to believe that she doesn’t want to be that big of a part of my life anyhow. She doesn’t seem to miss me. And because of that I’m going to stop missing her.

While you’ve always been my first, I’m never going to be yours. I’m sorry…

I give up.

Exactly one year ago I met this girl at work. She was thirteen years old at the time and needed a new cellphone, which her parents did not want to pay for. As we were stuck that summer doing nothing else but to put stickers on boxes for six weeks straight, we happened to hit it off well despite our age-difference of three years. She’s probably the most spontaneous girl I’ve ever met, not afraid to approach people and get to know them. During that summer, even though it wasn’t long enough for us to truly get to know each other, we bluntly shared our most hidden secrets without hesitation. Maybe because we both had too much secrets.

Today I met her again. Like a year ago, she cheerfully walked up to me giving her big smile. She hasn’t changed one bit; still that rebellious little girl. We only met for a little while before she left. Thinking back on that summer it seems like she got caught up with the need of popularity and friends these days among teenagers even more this year. She has started smoking, not only cigarettes, but also weed. Failing classes, dropping classes… Yet, aside from all that we talked like we saw each other every day.. We never run out of topics.

Our lives differ so much. She’s from a high class family for whom I work for during the summer to save money for college. She’s popular, has many friends and the only reason she worked in the company was because she wanted sunglasses up to a price that her parents did not want to buy for her. – I’m not.

Still, two persons can have random and mindless conversations just because we want someone to listen.

Seems almost like someone, in this case Jordin, knows how I feel and had perfectly put it into words. <3

It’s pouring outside, and my roof is leaking
I just let the raindrops bleed out the ink from my notebook sheets, and
Today’s a Thursday, and then it’s three days late
I marked on the calendar, and circled today’s date
This is the last straw, this isn’t life here
I’m packing my dreams up, and leaving my nightmares

And they say go west ’till you feel the sunset
And there you’ll become a star
So I traded my skinny jeans for dreams and limousines
And I’m gone

I’ll send you a postcard, saying I’m alright (alright)
On the back, that I’m in love with life
I’ll send you a postcard, and sign my name in the stars
My radio’s turned up, a full tank in my car
And I promise we’ll be together
I’ll never say never, I’ll always remember goodbye
‘Cause I gotta go
I’ll send you a postcard

Smashing on the gas, 95 on the highway
Got about a thousand more miles to go, I might make it by Friday
The road’s never ending, I never slow pace, and
The choice is now all mine, for my destination
They ask why I’m rushing, my dreams are waiting
So fasten your seatbelt, ’cause I’m gonna make it

And they say go west ’till you feel the sunset
And there you’ll become a star
So I traded my skinny jeans for dreams and limousines
And I’m gone

To whom it may concern, whoever this gets to
There’s no looking back, I took off my rearview
Got my hopes on the passenger side
There’s only room for two
And I’ll..

I’ll remember you.

Do you know what my wish was everytime I saw that shiny star up in the sky? I wished to get out of here some day, to be more. Because I wasn’t happy. I tried really hard and I think for a moment I almost believed I was.

I’ve followed that same route home for the last 14 years and I’m still walking to the other side of the road to avoid words of humiliation. Little kids following me, mouthing words.. But that’s okay… they say that words don’t hurt right? Well, that has to be the biggest lie ever.

But here I am. I’m about to pack my bags to somewhere else, leaving this place – this life behind. I’m not saying the place I’m going to will bring me happiness – not at all. I’m just worn out because of this place. I’m not happy and it weakens me even more when I try to be happy. It may be the wrong decision, it may not be. But I’m going to take this jump for what it’s worth. It seems so surreal, but I’m finally doing it. My mom is proud of me, I know that. And I can’t be more thankful for having such a wonderful mother, respecting and supporting every little decision I make.

It’s not like I’m forgetting this life and will only know the new one though. This life that I have right now, no matter how many tears it had caused me, still is a part of me. I’m just leaving it behind;  closing this chapter of my story and ready to begin a new one.

High school friends, teachers, acquaintances, childhood friends… I won’t remember them. Some will remain beautifully in my memory though. Some I’ve truly loved and still do. However, this is life. I’ve made my choice, they made theirs. We happen to go seperate ways and we may never see each other again. It hurt so much when I first realized it, but now I’m used to it. It happens.

Often I find myself pushing down the ’snooze’-button several times before even realizing it’s the alarm-clock that I’ve set way too late for me to take a quick shower, brush my teeth, choose my clothes, put them on, comb my hair and eat breakfast so that I can still look fairly presentable despite my charming eyebags and the thought that my socks do not match because I was blindly rushed for work. [One hell of a sentence, huh ]

My hair that I know will be messed up anyway, still deserves at least 5 minutes from my time being late. That one rule that you should never ever go to bed straight away when you just washed your hair? I’ve broken it many times. Just for fun really . And of course to end up with strokes of my hair raising 5cm above my head and some twisting to the wrong direction, I happily rush to my oh so lovely job.

My summer-job, however, doesn’t require me to show up in anything near the words decent or presentable. I can show up in a bikini [which one particular person did last year] without having to worry they will throw me out. Instead, I can count on some more companions during lunchtime and a boss who suddenly shows interest in the little that is left of my life outside of work, not smelling of salt water and seaweed. Which I’m sure will lead to conversations that contain either the word ‘wanker’ or ‘kurwa’. Use a dictionary for the last one.

Having said that, Polish people [get the hint? ^ ] have been invading my company and I’m not afraid to say that at least 60% of my co-workers are from Poland – the link to my post title. Now I’m not saying that Polish people are creepy, not at all. However, there are some people I’ve come accross while working that cannot seem to concentrate well on their work – which basically is loading boxes of 10kg of mussels in and out, while cleaning, mopping away the salt water being soaking wet of the rain and all that for $5 an hour. Hurray.

Maybe it’s because they do not have Asians in Poland or because they just think I’m weird – either way, being stared at for a good 5 minutes doesn’t quite make me very comfortable nor make them seem approachable or even okay. Occasionally a wink from this guy – who is quite nice – does make me wonder whether I’ve been a victim of ‘work-flirting’ because I happen to be, unlike some, approachable. The main reason, in my opinion, I think would be the fact that I’m some ‘new flesh’ after some time being stuck with the same girls who pretty much are clones, smoke too much and whom’s names always end with -a. Ex: Dominica, Monica, Veronica, Aisha… You get the idea.

However, after a long day at work being drenched in the lovely smell of the ocean [and its creatures like mussles, oisters and seasnails] does make me love the weekends even more. Days where my hair looks quite hot, my outfit not a jumpsuite with army boots and getting to chat with someone who doesn’t only show interest when you have a cleavage down to your belly.

All in all; creepy co-workers and bad hair-days are a must in a girl’s life – it makes you appreciate things more when these two do not join forces to wreck your day

I thought I could walk this path easily without any problem, only to find myself weaker than ever. I can only cry and show that I have no strength in the late nights, because I cannot be weak in front of others. My body is tired, but so is my soul. Each day I wake up only to strengthen my heart again for the day and tell myself to hold on just for awhile longer.

I’m really tired and it makes it even harder when there’s no one to share those thoughts with. I just endlessly work and keep on running without knowing how to stop. It makes me forget everything for a bit and how I deeply miss having someone close-by to rest my head on.
Instead there’s my pillow to take all my tears and only music that describes my feelings for that moment.

I miss hearing someone’s voice, reassuring me that it’s going to be ok, even if I know it’s not going to be so.

Tech Support: Hello … how can I help you?

Customer: Well, after much consideration, I’ve decided to install
Love. Can you guide me through the process?

Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?

Customer: Well, I’m not very technical, but I think I’m ready. What do I do first?

Tech Support: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you
located your Heart?

Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now.
Is it okay to install Love while they are running?

Tech Support: What programs are running ?

Customer: Let’s see, I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge
and Resentment running right now.

Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt
from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent
memory but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will
eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High
Self-Esteem. However, you have to completely turn off Grudge and
Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed.
Can you turn those off ?

Customer: I don’t know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke
Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and
Resentment have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is that
normal?

Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base
program. You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get
the upgrades.

Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, “Error
- Program not run on external components.” What should I do?

Tech Support: Don’t worry. It means that the Love program is set
up to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In
non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before
you can Love others.

Customer: So, what should I do?

Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the
following files: Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge your
Limitations.

Customer: Okay, done.

Tech Support: Now, copy them to the “My Heart” directory. The
system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty
programming. Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all
directories and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely
gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My heart is filling up with new files.
Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying
themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal?

Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but
eventually everything gets it at the proper time. So Love is installed
and running. One more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be sure
to give it and its various modules to everyone you meet. They will in
turn share it with others and return some cool modules back to you.

Customer: Thank you.

They say that somewhere along the way I lost my heart. I lost it as easily as losing my keys or phone. Never noticed until someone actually told me. Technically, of course I have a heart. It’s helping me breathe every second of my life, but whether it’s beating for someone I’m not quite sure myself, because I assumed it had stopped beating a long time ago.

They don’t know, but it’s actually a lot harder to not love someone rather than doing it. Your heart gets tired and your mind uneasy, because you have to put so much strength in it to push someone away. I did it many times and now I’m worn out, exhausted. Weak.

Even my dad walked out me. I guess I couldn’t be enough and so he left. I don’t miss him, but I long to have a father like all my friends do. Someone other than my mom to rely on; to show my new apartment to; to be there when I graduate. I can’t remember spending a birthday with him. He missed my first day at school, the day I went away from home for the first time alone, he even missed the moment that I was born. He wasn’t there from the start. My mom didn’t give love another shot after he left. She isn’t heartless though. She’s just damaged and can’t heal her heart. I always wanted her to find happiness though. That feeling of waking up next to someone who loves you maybe to her is just an unrealistic dream or one that is now over. I want her to be happy, but this lacking daughter sure is good for nothing. How can I possibly fix a heart, if I don’t even have one myself?

I’m afraid, not for myself, but for the one that comes along… Having to love a girl so heartless like me.