Time Of Day

I’ve always been that shy and quiet girl back in the class, from kindergarten till middle school. I always had my hair in a ponytail and my clothes were made by my mom, because we didn’t have the money to buy some new ones. I looked like a boy and acted like one, too. And I wasn’t ashamed of it – being a boy is so much easier; you can talk and walk the way you want to and in the Asian culture [and our family] boys have so much more freedom. And I always wanted that I guess: freedom.
I was very lonely in elementary school. I got picked on a lot of times and there even was a moment I even thought about ‘getting away’. It’s all been very hard and not to mention I was only in first grade. Really, from that moment on.. I didn’t want to trust anybody. I slowly began to forget about that thought though, because I made friends.
But then this happened:
My best friend in first and second grade moved away.
My best friend in third and fourth grade also moved away.
Then another best friend I had in fifth and sixth grade moved away as well.
In seventh grade I had 4 best friends; 2 of them suddenly didn’t wanted to be best friends anymore.

After that, I went to middle school and only kept contact with 1 single friend I had left from elementary school. Though it was just one person, I also made a lot of friends when I stepped into that new classroom. Things went ok for me, it wasn’t a time I could call fantastic, but it wasn’t a disaster either.

I’ll skip 8th and 9th grade, because I hope one day I can actually delete them from my mind as well. I had many friends before, but only kept a few till this day. And the ones that stayed with me have seen me on my lowest point. And I’m thankful, they still stayed by my side.

This is a journey I’d like to keep anonymously, because I’m not that much of a ‘screaming-it-off-the-roof-that-i-care-about-you-type’ if you know what I mean. I like to give presents or show subtle caring, like; ‘it’s going to rain, don’t forget to close your window’, or ‘wouldn’t it be a good idea if you just zip up your jacket, since you have a cold?’
I never admit that I do care though. Because in my thoughts, it would be better if I actually wouldn’t care. That way it should be easier to let them go, when it’s time.

Freedom. As I just told you, I thought acting like a boy would give me that. But once I came into puberty, hormones start to develop and soon enough I had to give in to the fact that I’m a girl. I could no longer go halfnaked to the beach [which is a period in my life I’d rather forget] and I had to wear bra’s, pay attention to the way I walk and more. I somehow felt like I didn’t have freedom at all at some point. My brother would go out and wouldn’t come home until early the next morning. I remember a lot of times being jealous, but because I was the little sister, I shouldn’t be butting in his business.
Now that I’ve almost turned into a woman and have learned much from some wise people around me, I realise that freedom is education and that education is freedom. I believe some people would disagree with me, but to me it is true. And I’m halfway there though.
When I would have a carreer/job that I love doing, nothing else would be so bad. Because I love my job, I can be optimistic about life. I would feel happy and I believe:
Once you feel happy and content on the inside; it shows on the outside as well.
Nothing would be so bad as waking up in the morning and thinking ‘Oh no, another day at work!’

Having to say all this.. I still want to remind everyone that I’m just an average student. No A-student as the stereotype of Asians you would get a lot. In fact, I dropped math when I went to 10th grade!
I’m just saying.. you don’t have to be what others want you to be. Yes, I dropped math and yes, I don’t get A’s a lot. But the fact is that I chose my subjects based on my competentions and capabilities.
My family have been supporting me from the start. I just got the news today that I’m going to 11th grade. The last year of HAVO in middle school. [ I live in Holland, so the system is different from other countries ] And soon, I’ll be heading to college, starting my study of Bachlor. I can’t be more happy. And it’s in the smallest things: my friend just sent me a text-message, asking whether I’m in school or not. Meaning she’s waiting for me.

Simple things in life should remind you of what you have and allow to you forget what you do not have.

Just a quick quiz on blogthings.com : What Time Is Your Day? This my result :

You Are Sunrise

You enjoy living a slow, fulfilling life. You enjoy living every moment, no matter how ordinary.
You are a person of reflection and meditation. You start and end every day by looking inward.
Caring and giving, you enjoy making people happy. You’re often cooking for friends or buying them gifts.
All in all, you know how to love life for what it is – not for how it should be.
What Time Of Day Are You?

*Note: I was bored… But still the result is quite accurate in my opinion 😀


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