Drive Of Life

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive my father for what he’d done to our family. I was only 4 years old, but still I could clearly see his angry face and attitude towards my mother. I remembered my mom cried a lot while trying to lift up the heavy mattress out the door. I remembered comforting my mom when my sister wasn’t home. My sister always handed my mom a tissue and said to stop crying, it’s not worth it. And so I did the same thing. She wouldn’t stop crying though, it seemed like she even cried more than before.

Right after the divorce we moved away from the town I knew as my home. I’m 16-years old now.. 12 years have passed quickly. I’m no longer a little girl and no longer cry because I know, like my sister said, it’s not worth it. I know my family thought they’d be happier once they moved away, but were they? I was never happy… after 12 years of living here I’ve finally found my happiness, but not because of this village or the people who live in this village. They actually kept me from being happy, as I was a stranger. A stranger, because of my looks and thus for the person I am. I wonder, have my family ever regretted moving away since even they couldn’t live in peace for the first few years here?

I regret a lot of things in my life. I’ve done so many bad things… Things that hurt my family and my closest friends. I lied, I betrayed, cheated and stole. Although I didn’t know why. Maybe unconsciously, I wanted to be noticed or wanted to see if anyone cared about me, when I was in that kind of condition. I kept going a step further, not knowing when it’ll be enough. But soon I discovered, I went further than I should be. I lost countless of people whom I called my friends. I was wrong though, they only stayed when I was generous enough to treat them dinner or went out to have fun. Although I’ve always been this conservative girl, I often hang out with people who represented everything opposite of me. They never cared about the future, they spent money like it was nothing and made of any little problem such a hassle. I’m on the other hand, was and still am nothing like them: I’m conservative, quiet, economical and simple. I do have plans for the future, I do know why I go to school for.
And yet I found myself caught up in what they called ‘the life I had no choice of’. It was because nobody cared and nobody ever told them they could do better. But I did. I had my mother, my brother and sister, my brother-in-law, even my little nephew to remind me: I do have a choice and I can do better. As not one single member of my family has ever started college, they encourage me that I should. Simply, because I have the opportunity to. They often bring out old stories about their struggles in the past, not only in poverty, but in life itself. Though hearing those stories more than I have wanted to, they do keep me going and they do give me another reason to stay focused and content.

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