Happiness, Where To Find?

Suddenly he was gone. My dad.

I can’t remember correctly when the exact moment came, but as he has never been around much, I didn’t notice when it all was over. I was scared and a bit lost. Confused about the situation. He had me thinking a lot; whether he was in or out of my life. I cried a lot as well, not knowing what to do to make the situation better for my mom. Because she was hurt. Hurt in her heart, the one that she gave away.

The matras was cold and large. My mom had to use all of her strength to be able to carry it out the door. I didn’t do anything. It was too heavy for me, she said. So I just watched her having all of our clothes, pictures and other things packed. Ready to move out. I must’ve felt confused and lost at that moment. But whenever I’d look back, my feelings go numb. I don’t feel anything, like all my senses have left my body. Maybe it’s better that way. To not feel anything, at all. It would only hurt, nothing more.

Kindergarten. Elementary School. They were all a hell. ‘Where is your daddy?’
If I’d get paid for every single time someone would ask me that, I’d now become a millionaire, living in a grand house with 10 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms, 2 gyms with a fountain in my front yard plus a swimming pool and jacuzzi, with aside my house another house for my dog. Just to give you an idea.
It was never fun. I was never happy. I cried walking home and on top of that, after the divorce, we have moved to a village with a tight community. They didn’t let anybody else in. No strangers. No foreigners. Not me.

I try to avoid them. The people who’ve hurt me. I even cross the streets whenever I see them. I do not want to walk on the same side as they do. What’s even more crazier is that since elementary school, I’ve lived in at the same spot. And I have to walk by a school every time I need to go somewhere. Their school.
Just before I’d take a step on that pavement, I’d cross the street and walk right by the school, without having to walk on the same pavement. Then, as I’ve passed it, I’d cross the street again and move on to where I’m heading. I’ve done that since elementary school and I still do that now. I’m quite happy now, but I cannot say that I’m happy whenever I’m here.
Whenever we’d go back to the place I was born, I do feel happy. But then I wonder, how long that happiness would last? As I’ve only spent 1/4 of my life there and most of those memories have left my mind. I think that’s why I like to travel. I like to go away and find that one place where I can feel free and happy.

I am determined to leave this place, I once was not happy.


1 Response so far »

  1. 1

    thechanster said,

    I’m happy that you have found ways to be happy. Also, “Hurt in her heart, the one that she gave away” is quite possibly the most beautiful line I have ever read.

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