Everything’s Gonna Be Ok

I hated changes. I didn’t know what to do if I would have to leave the things behind which I’m so common with. I held on tight, yet knowing sometimes letting go is better for the ones I love. I was more selfish than I claimed to be in the past… It’s sad to look back and see myself that way. Depressed, alone and hateful. I didn’t want to know about the world and it seemed like the world didn’t want to know about me.

That one day she held me tight and asked me if I was ok. I wasn’t, I was crying my eyes out. Still, I nodded and said everything’s fine. “Nothing to worry about.” I never dared to look her in the eyes, because I was afraid she might see how much I really cared. I was ashamed; a friend like her doesn’t deserve me.

She had everything and she was everything I wanted to be. She was so popular; she had so many friends. And I felt I was just ‘one of those people’, like I’ve always been for everyone.
“One of those people”: the ones you would call to ask for homework, the ones you’d call for advice, the ones you’d chat with when there was nobody else. The one who feels like a substitute.
No matter how much it seems like you’re a friend, you’re not. At least, I felt I wasn’t. I just happened to be there, while others were gone. 

Still, I didn’t mind to be that substitute. I didn’t mind to be nothing more than a ‘reserved’ friend. Because whenever she was with me, I felt happy. I had something to laugh about and I seemed to forget about my problems. Maybe it was the way she just was. She never mentioned or asked about them, but instead just joked around like nothing happened. I guess I needed that, to just pretend like everything’s fine.

When I was on the lowest point of my life, I hated it whenever somebody’d say ”everything’s gonna be ok” , when they know it won’t. Almost everyone had said that. “You’ll be fine, you’re going to be ok.” I didn’t believe them and I was rather sad and frustrated, because they just wouldn’t understand how I felt → that nothing will be ok.

But I did believe it when she said it to me. Through MSN with a smiley. And how impersonal it may seem now, it made my day. Because I felt she finally cared for me. She saw me as a friend. And that’s what I’m going to be for her, until it’s time to let go.

Everything’s ok.

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3 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    firenzegold said,

    I don’t know if everything is going to be OK, but things will Certainly change. I always believe and wait for something to happen that did not happen yet. And, how long am I going to wait?
    Something is supposed to happen anyway.

    Check this: From Nothing to Something http://firenzegold.wordpress.com/2008/09/17/from-nothing-to-something/

    From Little to Big
    http://firenzegold.wordpress.com/2008/09/17/from-little-to-big/

  2. 2

    it not only seems that we have similar music tastes, but, blog ideas. haha. no one can truly know how things will turn out, that is a knowledge left to other people. but, as plato says about life, “All is flux, and nothing stay the same.”

    Just because today has brought you troubles in one way or another, doesn’t mean tomorrow their pain won’t bring forth beauty.

    Yah, know?

  3. 3

    firenzegold said,

    I love this song “It’s Gone Tomorrow” by Helena Paparizou.
    It’s gone tomorrow
    All of the pain
    And all the sorrow
    It’s gone tomorrow
    I’ll turn the bitter into sweet
    It may be hard for you to see it
    It takes sometime
    But I believe that
    Time leads a way
    From now on today
    You’ll be relieved
    Another dawn breaks up
    And brings the best of me


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