If Only I Could Be More

Talking about embarking on a journey I’ve wanted all my life. Having almost no time to enjoy wonderful moments that I have made the last few weeks, I now have to face the struggles that are coming my way, way sooner than I thought they’d be. College, dorms and moving away sounds all nice and fun when you’re stuck in a small village almost your whole life with only college as your way to get out of there. I’ll find out soon I guess.

Before making my way to school, I spent at least half an hour in a café near our train stop. Sipping my soda slowly I can’t help but think about all things that had happened in just a few weeks..

My brother and sister-in-law are expecting a baby… however there were some complications when they visited the doctor. There was no embryo nor a heartbeat to detect. I heard my brother cried. My sister-in-law cried. My mother cried. I was useless then, not knowing how to support them. Not knowing what to say or do in situations like that. So I just locked up my room and spent my time behind a computer looking up symptoms of misscarriages or any other symptoms of any other things that my sister-in-law might have. I couldn’t find anything. So I just stared at the screen. A small embryo lying curled up in a mom’s tummy. I couldn’t provide the care and support they needed. I couldn’t do anything.

Graduating this year feels almost like a dream to me. But every dream and every good thing has a down side to it.

I received an envelope from my college. A heavy one. I opened quickly as I was anticipating some fun announcement. I just saw 4 digits.

You know how everyone always says: ‘Money isn’t important.” ? My mom was the only one who didn’t believe that and told me constantly that money isn’t the most important thing, but important enough to have almost everything in this world to be evolved around it. I guess hard work, determination and willpower isn’t all you need to succeed. I’m worried whether I can make it. It’s a lot of money on the line; money that we simply do not have. And because of that, I feel guilty. It sounds weird but because of my wish to go to college, not only so far away but also in an intense study program, the costs are beyond our imaginations. I could’ve stayed home, be content with a college just an hour away. Instead, I choose to walk this tiresome path, not only to me but also to my whole family. Have I made the right choice? I keep putting on weigh on my family’s already shagging shoulders. I’m sorry…

I will succeed. Just wait.

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