Heartless

They say that somewhere along the way I lost my heart. I lost it as easily as losing my keys or phone. Never noticed until someone actually told me. Technically, of course I have a heart. It’s helping me breathe every second of my life, but whether it’s beating for someone I’m not quite sure myself, because I assumed it had stopped beating a long time ago.

They don’t know, but it’s actually a lot harder to not love someone rather than doing it. Your heart gets tired and your mind uneasy, because you have to put so much strength in it to push someone away. I did it many times and now I’m worn out, exhausted. Weak.

Even my dad walked out me. I guess I couldn’t be enough and so he left. I don’t miss him, but I long to have a father like all my friends do. Someone other than my mom to rely on; to show my new apartment to; to be there when I graduate. I can’t remember spending a birthday with him. He missed my first day at school, the day I went away from home for the first time alone, he even missed the moment that I was born. He wasn’t there from the start. My mom didn’t give love another shot after he left. She isn’t heartless though. She’s just damaged and can’t heal her heart. I always wanted her to find happiness though. That feeling of waking up next to someone who loves you maybe to her is just an unrealistic dream or one that is now over. I want her to be happy, but this lacking daughter sure is good for nothing. How can I possibly fix a heart, if I don’t even have one myself?

I’m afraid, not for myself, but for the one that comes along… Having to love a girl so heartless like me.

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2 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    weirdspirit said,

    This is exactly what I’m feeling. I don’t think I could love someone as s/he deserves it; it’s not worth it trying actually. I’ve never had a girlfriend before, not because I couldn’t have the chance, but because each time I thought “time has come” I would refuse to hang out with her. I think I actually got to broke her heart, but I didn’t mean to, I was just scared and confused… just as confused as I am now. I’m no longer scared though, I think I’ve given up to the fact I can get to feel certain things; such love.

    Maybe it’s about waiting for the one, I’ve been told. I find everyone being in the same subtle color, chasing the same chocolate cake, that I don’t encourage myself to go for more. Even though that’s what I wrote about on my last post… I said I would go for more at all costs, to find my imagination and ability to overcome my fears, I didn’t involve love.

    I don’t know what’s wrong. It’s like nobody fitted in within my life, like nothing could really make me show me something different. I need colors.

    This lime-green color works.

    Some people are surprisingly kind, just don’t give up in case you haven’t. And one more thing; do not ever think you’re not good enough. I don’t know you, but as long as you’re not blind and get to see how much you’ve done along your path, you’ll see you’re wrong when thinking this.

    Have a good week.

  2. 2

    Hey, thanks for the comment. I didn’t think people actually read my ramblings, haha. Interesting post. But, you don’t seem heartless at all your writings and thoughts show the complete opposite no? Love is quite strange, to me at least. After my experiences with it I think I have come to the conclusion that it’s as much of a choice as it isn’t. A bit paradoxical but that’s the way it seems to be. Loving, for me, had always been easy when I didn’t want to love and hard when I wanted to love. It took me some time to be able take it into my own hands, hold it and distribute it as I saw fit. I think I’ve become a bit cynical with the passing of time but perhaps it is better referred to as “realistic.” I realize that out of the people out there, there are plenty that can fall into place given that you open up to opportunities and try to see the world from their shoes. I’m sure the “one that comes along” will love you for what they see in you, not what they don’t. It takes surprisingly little to keep a heart satisfied. Unfortunately, especially for me, it can take some time to learn that and even when you do sometimes you forget. Mistakes don’t always teach us our lesson, huh? Well that’s true for me at least =P.

    Take care,
    Damian


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