Nothing To Fear

When I was younger there was nothing that I feared. I wasn’t afraid to get hurt, to be seen as bad or to be judged. I just took the step and did whatever I wanted to do. Because it was fun.
Growing up I find myself thinking more and more about the consequences before taking that step. And a lot of times, eventually I didn’t take the step at all. I was afraid. Afraid what people might think of me. Would they still like me? Will they think differently of me? I began to stay more and more in the background as it was the safest place to me. If you don’t do anything, there’s no one who can say anything about you. As a result, no one ever saw me. Thinking that was what I wanted, I started to be even more withdrawn and answer only quietly when being asked. As much as I hated it, I was seen as the ‘perfect’ Asian daughter, anyone wished to have. I was smart, polite, quiet, reserved and unlike other Asian kids, I knew how to speak Vietnamese.

I wrote I was, but I still am that girl I just described. Though I hope no one will ever judge someone blindly on how they describe themselves as. We think we are what we are, but it’s a fact that you should never expect someone to be who they tell you they are. I said I’m smart, but what is really considered smart? Street-smart or high grades?

I do well in school, but it’s not the fact that I’m ‘smart’ that has gotten me to where I am right now. A person can memorize every single word from a book and get an A on a test that way, but that does nowhere mean that they are the ones who later will be filling the spots of people our children and grandchildren will look up to. Why do we look up to people? Is it because they are rich, powerful and intelligent? I’m sure it’s just that those are the things we wish we’d have as well. The ones who actually deserve to be living on dreams are not the ones who happen to be most smartest kid in high school. They are the ones who have been showing hard work and determination by working for what they want. My heart is cold and I’m filled with doubts. But I know well enough that their hearts have once been cold as well and that doubt has always been a part of their lives.

I’m nowhere near perfect, I’m not smart and I’m not pretty. But I’m not going to be afraid. I’m going to be stronger than anyone else.


3 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    girlgeum said,

    No one is near perfect. That’s just it. Who or what defines you depends on what you believe in. Why are we one way, and wish to be another way when we see what we want to be in other people? Life’s a continuous growth spurt. We live, learn, and move on–hopefully. We’ll have doubts, moments when we don’t feel strong, and not know what to do or where to go.

    No one has all the answers, or even some of them. Strength lies within us, and shouldn’t be compared. We are unique, individually.

    • 2

      KuchiQ said,

      I know what you mean. But at this stage of my life I’m filled with even more doubts and confusion, making it hard sometimes for me to see things the way I actually should be. I know very well that perfection is just not realistic, but by always reaching for perfection I know that I have given my all.

      Thanks for your wise words. Those are the things that I’ve been told over and over again, but from time to time tend to forget. Thanks for reminding me.

  2. 3

    girlgeum said,

    You’re welcome.

    And remember we’ll always have doubts, it’s what we do with them that’ll count.

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